When Life Punches You in The Face!

Hi,

I don't think I have truly fully just let out what my true feelings are, I get scared but I need to let that fear out and just say it. (Joys of being an introvert)

September and October go down as two hard months for this year. Everything from finding out the guy you are dating is dating 4 other girls, having my room flood for the fourth time in 1 year, having a co-worker die, and having people who I thought were my friends say they don't want to be my friend any more and having the pressure of learning a new job. To having one of my x-boys come back into my life and apologize to having another come back and tell me he wanted me back then having him disappear. Sadly there was a lot more happening then just that, that is just the surface of it all. 

Out of all of these things the thing that has been the hardest for me is the boys that use to date me, come back into my life. This has happened a lot to me, the guy I use to date comes back into my life and it is hard. I would like to be the person to say that it wasn't hard, and that I truly had no more feelings for the guy and that I am fully over him and can take the apology. I would like to be that girl but I am not. Each time the guy comes back into my life I know they will just be exiting it again and I realize just how not strong I am.
I have almost given up all hope for a guy to want to be in my life. I have suffered so many heartaches and yet to find a guy that truly loves me.
I find myself wondering what true love would feel like and what it would look like in my life. I am afraid that I will never know what it will feel like. Cause I seem to date the guys that use and abuse me and tI am getting sick and tired of dating and allowing guys into my world and then I watch them and they don't appreciate me for who I am. They start looking else where for the next best thing and after a while. I start to think and believe, that I am not good enough and that I am not enough to keep a guy in my life. No matter what I try the guy pulls away and I find myself second guessing myself and feeling worthless.  I hate it! I am sick of the cheating and the lying, and the selfish men in this world.
I know marriage is rough and that it has a lot more downs then ups, but so does being single! I would love to find a guy that just wants to hold me and be the man in my life. I just want a guy that loves me and doesn't want to look else where, that is willing and understanding for me to fight throw the walls that other JERKS have helped me build. I guess what I want is too much. Maybe I am too much.
I also am sick of talking to guys that will talk marriage with me and never mean it. Then people want to know why I am so stand offish sometimes it is because I don't want to have my heart hurt anymore and I am a little more guarded cause that my heart doesn't want to be hurt no more.
I hate masking the pain with adventure and always doing something with my single friends to keep out the pain of being alone. Yet the more fun and things I do in my life, I still have to face the fact that I am single.
I think what happens is, I get scared when I finally feel like a guy, is a good guy or the relationship is a good one. I second guess it all and I tell myself no to trust it cause it isn't going to last and the guy senses it. When I bring it up with the guy they don't seem to want to hear it. But that isn't it either cause they are already looking else where. I am sick of this.
Grrrrrr is all I have to say. Grrrrr I also want to say to all of my friends out there that are single and reading this and know what this single life feels like my heart goes out to yours and my prayer that we don't let the fear keep us from finding our true love.
I am grateful for the support group in my life the ones that have watched out for me and that have blessed me and have been there for me.
I need to get going!
Thanks for reading!

Full Circle

Hi all,
Life has a way of bringing things full circle. I know that my writing could be witty-er or funnier, but it is not. I know there is many misspelled words and bad grammar in my posts. I will say though that is the way life is, some can voice their opinions openly and gracefully and there is the others of us that struggle to figure out what and how to say what we want to say.
One of my favorite quotes over the last little bit has been this, I should say nerd alert nerd alert as it is from star wars:,
 "Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering." Yoda  

I love that quote in fact in my work place I have it posted to remind me that I need to face my fears. I don't know how different your life is from mine, but life has had a funny way of coming full circle in so many ways.
I have been able to put closure on some really hard things that I have suffered. I have been able to hear people that I never thought would apologize. Apologize. I have been blessed to communicate with people again and set my past straight for once in my life.
Coming full circle in my life so far means, for me in saying the good-byes usually means there will be a hello coming from them again.
My life in the last little bit has softened my heart and I have been wanting to just love and hold no grudge towards anyone. Hard as it seems I have learned I have had to soften my heart a lot and had to let love feel the wholes and all the hatred that I have allowed to be placed there by this cruel world in which we live.
I have a past that most wouldn't believe that I have walked threw.  I have been blessed to know what God's love is truly like. How his love knows no bounds. His love reaches every single soul and blesses them. His arms are always reached out for us. He never will leave us and when we find him. Yes we find him, not him finding us in our current state, when we find him he puts the right people in our lives to help us make the changes we need to make and he doesn't give up on us. I have found his love comes and lifts me up in the darkest hours.
I have another quote that one of my co-workers gave to me, while I was going through a rough time and trying to forgive someone in my life. Her phrase she wrote to me was this:

I forgive you for not being who your Heavenly Father wanted you to be. I forgive you and I set you free.

I love that thought, as I repeated it every day I found the burden I felt in my life lifted and I
feel blessed to be where I am at.
I need to get going.
As always thanks for reading!