F.O.M.O

Hi all,
FOMO stands for Fear Of Missing Out!
It is something that I have felt for a while. I find myself saying; I haven't been to Europe yet, or Ohhh crap I haven't done whatever it is that my friends have done. Then FOMO kicks in and you start to wonder what you have missed out on and then I feel worthless. I am done with it. My life is great and I have some of the worlds most amazing friends and I am worth a lot more then I give myself credit for.
I find myself this morning, finding a new fear in my life, and I know there are many singles out there that have felt it and it is this. I am afraid of living life to the fullest because I am afraid of missing out on my future husband. What a dumb fear, I know but it is there in the back of my mind, I need to let it go and live my life, travel, and have fun. Easier said then done, especially living in Utah. Where marriage is shoved down your throat and if your not married by 26 people start looking at you as a failure. They seem to forget about all you have done and about all you have gained. Because culture in this state, is all about getting married young to a guy you barely know and have kids and you just make things work. Not saying that is wrong, but for me and many, many  of my friends this just isn't the case, we haven't found the one that has swept us off of our feet yet and we continue to live our lives to the most fullest we can.
As I type this I find myself saying out loud, where and why am I holding onto this fear? And it really is Utah's messed up culture, I am not a failure I am normal and I am dancing to a different drum beat.
I have lived 3 decades without a guy in my life helping me and loving me.  I think I can survive this world without one. I know, I know, fears are interesting things. I think it is time I stop letting the fear of finding the one go and start living. I need to stop settling for men that are idiots and start living my dreams out and to let this fear that I am not good enough go and make the first few steps, so I am closer to being the women I have always wanted to be.
I am done with the low living, crappy men and the crappy environments, I have found myself allowing into my life.  I am ready for loving more fully and not being scared to be who I am. I am also sick of people who I call friends being mean to me and not supporting me in my dreams as I support them in thiers.
I have gone throw a lot in my life and I love life, I just hate this fear that I am in the process of letting go.
Now this doesn't mean I don't want to get married, cause I do. What it means is I don't want to miss out on life cause I am scared of this guy not coming into my life. So I must live my life I have dreams in my head and I want to go and live them and not miss out on fulfilling my life.
So there you have it, My biggest fear.
Thanks for reading.

When Life Punches You in The Face!

Hi,

I don't think I have truly fully just let out what my true feelings are, I get scared but I need to let that fear out and just say it. (Joys of being an introvert)

September and October go down as two hard months for this year. Everything from finding out the guy you are dating is dating 4 other girls, having my room flood for the fourth time in 1 year, having a co-worker die, and having people who I thought were my friends say they don't want to be my friend any more and having the pressure of learning a new job. To having one of my x-boys come back into my life and apologize to having another come back and tell me he wanted me back then having him disappear. Sadly there was a lot more happening then just that, that is just the surface of it all. 

Out of all of these things the thing that has been the hardest for me is the boys that use to date me, come back into my life. This has happened a lot to me, the guy I use to date comes back into my life and it is hard. I would like to be the person to say that it wasn't hard, and that I truly had no more feelings for the guy and that I am fully over him and can take the apology. I would like to be that girl but I am not. Each time the guy comes back into my life I know they will just be exiting it again and I realize just how not strong I am.
I have almost given up all hope for a guy to want to be in my life. I have suffered so many heartaches and yet to find a guy that truly loves me.
I find myself wondering what true love would feel like and what it would look like in my life. I am afraid that I will never know what it will feel like. Cause I seem to date the guys that use and abuse me and tI am getting sick and tired of dating and allowing guys into my world and then I watch them and they don't appreciate me for who I am. They start looking else where for the next best thing and after a while. I start to think and believe, that I am not good enough and that I am not enough to keep a guy in my life. No matter what I try the guy pulls away and I find myself second guessing myself and feeling worthless.  I hate it! I am sick of the cheating and the lying, and the selfish men in this world.
I know marriage is rough and that it has a lot more downs then ups, but so does being single! I would love to find a guy that just wants to hold me and be the man in my life. I just want a guy that loves me and doesn't want to look else where, that is willing and understanding for me to fight throw the walls that other JERKS have helped me build. I guess what I want is too much. Maybe I am too much.
I also am sick of talking to guys that will talk marriage with me and never mean it. Then people want to know why I am so stand offish sometimes it is because I don't want to have my heart hurt anymore and I am a little more guarded cause that my heart doesn't want to be hurt no more.
I hate masking the pain with adventure and always doing something with my single friends to keep out the pain of being alone. Yet the more fun and things I do in my life, I still have to face the fact that I am single.
I think what happens is, I get scared when I finally feel like a guy, is a good guy or the relationship is a good one. I second guess it all and I tell myself no to trust it cause it isn't going to last and the guy senses it. When I bring it up with the guy they don't seem to want to hear it. But that isn't it either cause they are already looking else where. I am sick of this.
Grrrrrr is all I have to say. Grrrrr I also want to say to all of my friends out there that are single and reading this and know what this single life feels like my heart goes out to yours and my prayer that we don't let the fear keep us from finding our true love.
I am grateful for the support group in my life the ones that have watched out for me and that have blessed me and have been there for me.
I need to get going!
Thanks for reading!

Full Circle

Hi all,
Life has a way of bringing things full circle. I know that my writing could be witty-er or funnier, but it is not. I know there is many misspelled words and bad grammar in my posts. I will say though that is the way life is, some can voice their opinions openly and gracefully and there is the others of us that struggle to figure out what and how to say what we want to say.
One of my favorite quotes over the last little bit has been this, I should say nerd alert nerd alert as it is from star wars:,
 "Fear is the path to the Dark Side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering." Yoda  

I love that quote in fact in my work place I have it posted to remind me that I need to face my fears. I don't know how different your life is from mine, but life has had a funny way of coming full circle in so many ways.
I have been able to put closure on some really hard things that I have suffered. I have been able to hear people that I never thought would apologize. Apologize. I have been blessed to communicate with people again and set my past straight for once in my life.
Coming full circle in my life so far means, for me in saying the good-byes usually means there will be a hello coming from them again.
My life in the last little bit has softened my heart and I have been wanting to just love and hold no grudge towards anyone. Hard as it seems I have learned I have had to soften my heart a lot and had to let love feel the wholes and all the hatred that I have allowed to be placed there by this cruel world in which we live.
I have a past that most wouldn't believe that I have walked threw.  I have been blessed to know what God's love is truly like. How his love knows no bounds. His love reaches every single soul and blesses them. His arms are always reached out for us. He never will leave us and when we find him. Yes we find him, not him finding us in our current state, when we find him he puts the right people in our lives to help us make the changes we need to make and he doesn't give up on us. I have found his love comes and lifts me up in the darkest hours.
I have another quote that one of my co-workers gave to me, while I was going through a rough time and trying to forgive someone in my life. Her phrase she wrote to me was this:

I forgive you for not being who your Heavenly Father wanted you to be. I forgive you and I set you free.

I love that thought, as I repeated it every day I found the burden I felt in my life lifted and I
feel blessed to be where I am at.
I need to get going.
As always thanks for reading!

What Dating Has Taught Me...

Hi all,
I am writing a post  can you believe it?
I just broke up with a guy who I thought I truly loved, and was willing to work on the relationship. I put so much effort into it and then all of the sudden he starts pushing me away and starts ignoring me and acting like it was okay.
What dating has taught me, that guys always tell me I settle. Sad part it is usually the guy I am dating that says that to me. I have also been taught that finding your one and only is tough the first time around, cause you don't want to end up with a dud.
I have learned that I am stronger then I think I am, cause I can go through heart ache after heart ache and still some how find a reason to smile. I have been given time to improve me and work on habits and work on hobbies. Thing is though I am ready for a family, my dream is to have a house, a crazy husband and kids.
Life hasn't been that kind to me and I think sometimes it would be fun to have a husband and a cheering section and not having to go through all the pain this life has to offer on mine own.
Until that day, that my prince comes I will just have to keep my head up and smile on my face.
On second thought another thing I have learned from my years of dating, is it okay to take a break from it all, especially since this last guy did a number to my heart.
I know I usually don't put out my dating life for the world to read, but I feel that as long as I don't say anything bad about the guy or say his name then it should be okay.
Dating has also taught me, life isn't learning to dance in the rain, it is learning to walk through the crap life throws at you, Because when it rains in your life it usually is all good stuff and you want to dance through it anyway.
Dating has also taught me that I hate competing for a guys attention and I hate the dating game, i like to cut the chase out and if the guy likes me great if not great. I have learned this by guys leading me and several girls on just waiting for the one he likes and then once she pays attention to him, I get dumped.
I also have learned that breaking up over text sounds lame and isn't right but with some guys that are idiots it is the only way you can get them to talk to you.
I have learned that dating sucks for everyone and there are so many out there who have given up the hope of finding their better half cause life has thrown a lot of crap and pain from dating there way, or they don't get asked out on many dates and feel left out and not good enough. So to stop those feelings they just take themselves out of the game all together.  To them I say I am ready to join you, to say I have had enough and my heart really cannot handle another heart break at all.
Another thing dating has taught me is, I don't know what true love feels like or looks like. Cause every time I think I have found true love the guy turns on me and starts treating me poorly and then ends up dumping me.
I know life goes on for all and we all have pain and sorrow we go through. So to all of us out there in this shoe I say We are truly all in this together!
Well I need to get going as always,
Thanks for reading.

Missing Mongolia

Hi All,
Today I find myself missing a land I love, a people that forever changed my life. I am missing the distant land of Mongolia.
I served an LDS mission there and I love everything about that place. I love the culture, the people and the spirit. I know I have forgotten Mongolian, That is something I promised the people I would never do. So from today on I am going to do 30 minutes of Mongolian language study. 
As I sit here typing, I find myself recalling the funny times and the miss understandings as I was learning Mongolian. I beliee more than once I blessed people's legs rather than their food. 

My dream is to return to the land of blue skies and live. I am ever grateful for my opportunity to serve there. 

I need to be going... 

Thanks for reading! 

30 Things I Have Learned in the Last 30 Years!

Hi all,
So my new adventure has started and who knows where I will end up. Does anyone ever know where they will end up? I am guessing not, it seems we all have ideas of where we would love to end up being or doing and for a few they actually get what they want. For me life has proven to take me all over the board and I am loving the adventure.
So my birthday is coming up and it is a big one. I am turning the dreaded 30! I can not believe it I will be 30. Yikes.
As this birthday has been approaching it has been a rough one for me. cause the ideals I have in my head of where I wanted and saw for myself haven't happened yet and I don't know if they will ever happen. There are a few life lessons I have learned and I would like to shed some of my wisdom with you.
-Life is.....
1-learning to forgive those who have done you wrong. Forgiving others sets you free!
2-Learning to trust in the Lord, his plan for your life is perfect, though at times life may get you down and is rough, just remember it is experience that you needed.
3-Loving others is okay, even when they break your heart.
4-Family is important, cherish your family whoever that maybe, a grandparent, a mom, a sibling, a niece or nephew, your own kids.
5-Be thankful for those who raised you and who were good influences in your life.
6-Be honest with yourself
7-Don't become so obsessed with how you look or how you dress, life gets so stuffy when you do that!
8-Find reasons to laugh each day
9-Look for the miracle each day.
10- It is okay to be happy when you are hurting!
11-Finding solitude and peace in a cruel mean world
12-Being happy when others around you are being mean
13-Learning to love who you are is the most important thing, You are you, a unique individual and have a talent to share, so share it!
14-Learning guys may be mean to you, but the right one will treat you right. I have yet to find my other half, my lid to my pot, my one and only. I have dated quite a few guys, and I will say I just haven't met the right one yet.
15-Learning to trust your instinct. Sometimes you do know what is best for yourself.
16- You only live once, so make the best of it!
17-Life is meant to be lived, so live it
18- Life happens to every single soul and we all have our own personal battles we suffer.
19-Gain wisdom and insight from your grandparents and the older population, they sometimes see life in a better way then what we see it as. Besides they know how it was to date without texting and telephones.
20-Dating advice can be good, but mostly it is a friend thinking he or she knows your heart and is trying to fix a problem they may know just the surface of. So when it comes to it, listen to your friends then trust your heart knows best and be true to yourself!
21-Be a little kid at heart, grumpy, old, stiff people are no fun!
22-Live your dreams! Don't wait for life to happen go out there and make it happen
23-Be positive-to many negative people running around
24-Learning a new langue gives you a new perspective on your own culture.
25- The way you were raised wasn't the best or the correct way, but forgive your parents they did the best they knew how to do!
26-Learn to stand on your own to feet, so when life's tornadoes happen and they will, you will be able to withstand them, a whole lot better! Learn to ask for help when help is needed.
27-Do things that pull you from your comfort zone. Discover what it is you truly are good at and try new things, make new friends.
28-See your own faults and accept them and be willing to improve and correct them.
29-Have friends from all walks, cultures of life. This planet is full of people and the more you stretch yourself to know, the more full your life is.
30-You were born and you spent the first few years learning how to walk and talk. You then figure that all out just as puberty hits and your brain goes wacky and you are a teenager. Just as you get on top of all of those emotions, you are now legal age of 21 and so you get to have fun. Just as you learn how to party correctly you turn 30! and that is where I am at, turning 30. I am hoping as life continues for me I will be able to complete my observation with all of this.
I want to thank all of my readers out there! Thanks for putting up with grammar mistakes and sometimes incorrect spelling with words.
I need to be getting into bed as I have a very full day tomorrow.

Thanks for reading!

Saying Goodbyes and Hello's

Hi all,
My life has been a little crazy and hectic as one chapter is coming to a close and a new one is about to begin. The anticipation and the fear that comes along with starting new things is both fun and terrifying for me. I find the worst part about starting something new is having to say all the good-byes to the people and friends that have cared for you and have built relationships with. It is hard yet I have to keep reminding myself that it is part of life. People move on and life just happens and we end up all over the place.
I am excited for my new adventure that lies in front of me. I am scared that I may not like it. I take a while to commit to an idea and once I am committed there is very little someone can do to change my mind. I am excited to finally be moving forward with life. Yet, I am sad to be saying good-bye to lazy afternoons, and campus life.
I have so much I need to get done today. I need to be off and running.
As Always thanks for reading.

Running

Hi all, 

I know the inconsistent blogger is posting again. 

Today while I was running, I had the worst pain in my shoulder. It is the exact same shoulder that I injured in high school. I played basketball and I will never forget the game. My team was in beaver utah. My team was winning and I as a shot went up that wasn't going to be going in I went up and got the rebound and my shoulder popped out. I had to sit bench due to the level of pain I had. It hurt and since then I still have shoulder problems. 

Well today while I was out running the pain in my shoulder returned and now as I type this my shoulder is being iced down. Yay for injuries. 

Anyways I know this is random and all and I need to get going. 

Thanks for reading. 

Familiar yet so very different

Hi all, 

I know I am the worst blogger, at writing posts lately. Today, I find I am missing yet another man from my past. I have a cousin who is married to a guy that looks like a guy I use to date. 

Yet my cousin's husband, I will call him Steve, is so different. My ex-boy was kind and caring. Took time for me. Yet Steve is all that and more. As I sat there watching Steve, my mind wonder back to the days I dated my ex-boy and memories full of  the laughter and tears came flooding back. 

Where Steve would listen to my cousin, my ex-boy would ignore me. Where Steve helped and laughed and teased. My ex-boy would of but his teasing would be belittling to me. Where Steve calls my cousin beautiful, my ex-boy would tell me how I would need to improve. Where my cousin will call her Steve pet names. My ex-boy would tell me to stop, that he was never good enough for me. 

My ex-boy was way into the outdoors and loved the mountains and Rivers and all things nature. I liked that about him. 

Once all those thoughts ran through my head, and all comparisons made, I had to stop and reflect on my life and I am glad it didn't work out with ex-boy. 

I am happy with who I am now and with who I am dating. 

The more I find things that remind me of the guys I have dated the more and more I come to realize I am right where I need to be. Almost 30, still going to school, having a part time job. Might not sound to glamorous to you, but to me it is just where I need to be. 

I need to be running along the computer I wrote this on, battery is dying. 

Thanks for reading my posts. 

white pick-ups and memories!

Long time, I know my posts are not consistent and all. I have been busy.
Today as I was running, a white Chevrolet Sierra truck passed me and I was thrown into a trance.
Every time I see a white chevy truck, I think about this guy I use to date. Why we ever split up I don't know. I see the truck and memories flood my memory. His blonde curly hair, his blue eyes. The way he understood me. His laugh and his body build. Learning to love a new sport and his patiences with me. Yes I miss that his patience. I loved how he and I could talk for hours and I never felt threaten by him. His hugs were the worlds best, feeling safe in his arms. He was also a very good kisser.
I might not be fully over him, he now lives a few states away. He has his dream job. To that I wish I could tell him congratulations! You deserve it cause he worked so hard to get to where he is at today.
Like life though, time passes as we broke up, over 2 years ago and I still find it amazing I think about him at the sight of a white pick up truck.
He is an amazing guy, and I wish him all the best in his life.
I know this was short but I need to be going got a lot to do today.

As always, Thanks for reading.

I made it to Valentines day!!

Hi all,
I have to confess that I really don't like the time between new years and Valentine's Day. I find myself on New Year's Day starting the count down to Valentine's Day. I have done this for as long as I can remember. I guess the reason, is January is cold and there isn't any holidays and it still gets dark really early and I feel so miserable during the month. I always feel that a part of me is dying in the cold darkeness of the month. I am all about the warm sunshine and staying light for until 10 or so. Walking outside without long sleeves and sweating in the heat, Suntanning and sitting by a pool. Why oh why do I still live in Utah, where the winters are so cold and so miserable at times.
Last month, was the coldest January we have had since 1945. Wow I am talking about the weather must not be anything for me to talk about. J/K
I guess what I am trying to say is that I am so excited that Spring is on its way and I get to enjoy the warm weather and start exercising once again. I am also excited cause so far this year my spleen is normal so I can start making my stomach muscles nice and tight once again.
I know this post has to be my most random of them all, I guess it goes to show how random of a person I am.
I need to be off and running.
As always thanks for reading.

Blinded at First

Hi all,
So I am not dating anyone right at the moment. I found this journal entry I wrote a while back and I just wanted to share it with you. Everyone out there that is single and knows the pain and lonely times of being single.
Have you ever dated someone and you are totally and completely in love. You are in love to the point where you put the guy on a petal-stool and you only see what you want to see. You might see things that when you were dating someone else, should have been a deal breaker but you want to be in a relationship so bad that you are willing to over look them? Even when your friends and family are pointing them out and you are like I love this person and it really isn't a big deal that my opinions and desires don't matter and there is like a thousand red flags, I am in love!
Then one day you wake up and you find that your brain has returned. (Hopefully you aren't to far into the relationship) And you finally see what your friends and family have been trying to tell you, about the person. Then you realize how selfish you had been and how rude you where to the ones who truly love you.
Then comes the moment you are dreading breaking up with the person, and being single. To hear the words: Me, a party of one.
Going to family parties alone, and finding that you get along better with the kids then with the adults. For some reason the kids get you and don't care that you are single, yet the adults will whisper and wonder why and even might ask you why are you single? See and that is what you are dreading, cause when you are with someone they don't ask you those questions.
So you break up with him and you are left to face the world and you find yes alone you may be a party of one, but with the Lord you are a party of two. Then with the people he places in your life to help you through the trials.
I know there are many singles in this world that know exactly how this feels and I glad to share it with you.
As Always thanks for reading.

Learning to Play More Dating Games...

Hi,
I am sorry I haven't written in some time, I have been way busy with life, dating and school. You know I have been out on several dates and let the dating blues continue. I know, I know I need to keep my head up, but it is hard to do at times cause I feel that the problem when it comes to dating, is me.
As I was feeling that way today, I received an email from a guy that will remain nameless and this is what the lovely e-mail said,
 "I am looking for a girl that will put me first no matter what, as I am what matters most to me, is me, you are so pretty from your profile pics. I think you would be a perfect fit for me."
I read that, and my feeling disappeared and I was like no wonder I am still single, guys just want to see girls like objects to do with what they would please. I know that was a way general statement but that is the type of guy that keeps asking me out, I at times wonder what signal am I putting out that I seem to only get those type of guys to ask me out.
Dating I find, is rough and tough. Guys don't want to get married, they just want to live the bachelor life.
Then again, I was at a party the other night with a few friends and I met some really cool guys. One of them made a really good point, he said, "The reason guys stay single is they don't want to have to clean up after themselves, they would like to live in a mess their whole lives." He then went on to say how he had a little OCD in him and he was tired of living with sloppy guys and was ready to either live on his own or get married. I had to agree, I am wanting to get married or live out on my own. I love having roommates don't get me wrong there is just times where I wished I had a place of my own, one that I could decorate with my style and personality, that when I cleaned something it would stay clean for more than an hour.
I was looking at some of my family history and I found out that I have 2 Great-grandmothers who got married in their 30's. Back in the 1930's where they would have been considered spinsters, there are no journals, from either of them that I know about. At times I wish there was, just to know how they coped with the lonely feelings, and the dark moments of uncertainty. I do however, find myself taking a lot of courage from both of them. One of them was on my dad's side and the other is on my mom's side. I actually had the thought, must run in the family and then a smile comes to my face and I had to look into the sky and smile. I know one day I will find my better half until then the single adventures continue on and on.
I have to get going, I will not promise but will say that I am going to try to do better with the whole updating the blog with whatever adventures lay ahead of me and that will included dating as well.
As always thanks for reading!

Dating blues....

Hi,
It has been a while since I wrote.
I will say I find myself once again single and am looking for that special someone. I would love to find someone that isn't self-conceded or just thinks of me as an object. I want to find someone that is my friend, who I can be my myself around. I know there are so many people who find themselves in my shoes. We are all looking and dating and putting ourselves out there to find that special someone. I look at the couples that have been married for 30 plus years and I think to myself I want that and I have looked for so long that I won't be settling for just anyone. I want a great connection.
I know this is the most I have let people in on what I am really feeling. I have joined some online dating sites and well, I don't know what happened with in less then 5 minutes on one site I had 150 hits with 25 emails to already read through. I will have to say reading my way through those emails didn't take as long as I thought it would.
I will say that I have only been on the sites for less than a week and I am already wanting to call it quits, dating is harder than most people can imagine especially if you got to get out of the game a while back. I know this will sound a little mean, but it has good intentions. When people who got married when they were in they're early twenties, parents and grandparents, brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles and even friends give you advice as to call the boy, or make him a treat and stop by... They make it sound so easy but they fail to take into account how dating styles and norms have changed even in the last 5 years and still are changing with everyone having a cellphone and texting and facebook taking over the world. It in ways complicates things.
The positive side of dating you get to meet interesting people and you get to network. haha Man, one day I hope and pray that I find myself out of this dating game which I find myself in and not necessarily want to be in.
Well I got to go Homework is calling my name... Yippie
Thanks for reading!