Life with a newborn has been a challenge in the first 3 weeks of life. My baby came a whole month early and is a premie, and so I get to protect her from all the evil germs of the world.
Something I am suffering from is I think a mild form of depression and fighting my anorexia from returning. It has been quite the struggle and I am scared to vocalize this to my husband cause I feel he is under a lot of stress from work and with the economy the way it is I don't want to stress him out. I have friends, but they live so far far away and I feel all alone some days. I feel like I am trying to be a good mom to Ali but I am not succeeding, cause I keep crying as my hormones come back into balance.
I feel Fat and ugly, I wonder why my husband even loves me? Why he married me? Am I even worth loving? He just doesn't seem to get my cries.
Tonight, he got home from work and I was wanting him to hold our baby and he looks at me and says take her she is too fussy and I don't want a fussy baby. So I took her and I have been frustrated at him ever since. Really??? I get you have been at work all day long.. But I have been here with dealing with my emotions and a newborn baby.
Why is it so hard? things new moms and dads need to discuss more openly is what you deal with when you bring the baby home. I love this child more than anything and I want to give her the world and I want this child to receive nothing but the best.
Hard to do when I am fighting off letting my anorexia take control of my life. I know it would be much much harder for me to deal with her fussy moments if I allowed my eating disorder get the best of me now. I have tried so hard to keep it all in whack.
Another hard thing is I wish my mom lived closer, I wish she was the one I could call if I need my baby held, instead of my controlling over bearing mother in law. I love her, I just don't trust her with my baby. I want to protect my child from her. I don't know why I feel this way but I do. I rather one of her aunties and uncles watch her.
My husband sleeps as I write this post and I have tears streaming down my face. I don't want to loose who I am as a person, I want to improve who I am. I love my little family. I just wish sometimes my husband would say he loved me, and everything would be okay, but he doesn't sometimes he is soo selfish and I suffer. I wonder why I married him. I love him more than anything in this world but why won't he show me more affection. I sometimes wonder if he married me because I was his live in girlfriend and he pitied me. so he asked me to marry him. I had to forgive him for cheating on me while we were dating and he acted like it wasn't a big deal. It was and I and he had to work through all the emotions I felt. More I worked through them. In fact we almost split up after we got married cause I found out a lot more of what he did while we were dating.
I love him but why does he love me?
Grrr baby is fussing and I better go be the best mom to my little one. Dry my eyes and fake a smile and pretend all is well in the world.
Monday, October 10, 2016
Postpartum Depression and Anxiety
Hi all,
I am suffering in quiet from postpartum Depression and Anxiety. I don't want to be judged and made fun of, cause that has been my lot in life, everyone seems to make fun of me or tease me when I am in serious need of help. So in quiet I suffer and pain builds pain, and hurt grows bigger and bigger and i become an evil gross monster that I don't even want to be around. I feel all alone in a world where people could help me and I look at them like they just want to hurt me.
This damn depression was set off after I had my little munchkin who I love more than anything in this world. She is my all and everything. I didn't know I could love someone as much as I love her and yet behind all this love, I find myself questioning everything and wondering why I am not fully happy.
Why with such a great blessing in my life, why I can not smile and laugh and enjoy the hardships of being a new mother. There it is, the depression, which then makes my anxiety hold me hostage in my own head, body and home. I don't want to do anything and I don't want people to come and be kind to me. Which sets of my emotional eating habits that are horrible thing to have as well. Either don't eat at all or over eat everything in my path.
I am broken and have fallen to so many pieces I wonder at times if I can be fixed. I look at my daughter sleeping peacefully away on the couch as I right this and all I want to do is protect her and keep her safe and not let her feel this pain I am walking through.
I have sought treatment through acupuncture in SLC and I have had one treatment and am looking forward to many more to come. After one treatment I felt like me, a me that I haven't felt like in a long, long, long time. Though that feeling was fleeting it was hopeful that my old self, the one I am comfortable with, the one that I have released, the true me can and will return, and I will be a whole me, to give to my daughter, husband, family and friends.
I haven't let many people in to know the pain, I mask up by fake smiles and pretend laughs. If people could see the real me at this moment the non-smiling face and tears I suppress so deep, so I look strong and brave like a good mom is suppose to be.
For all of you that think postpartum Depression makes you want to be pregnant again is wrong, it is your hormones are so out of whack and as hard as you try you can not get them back in order, and the easiest things become a chore.
My poor super man of a husband who has had to deal with me while I have been suffering. He is an amazing guy. I hope I will heal and be able to be me a better me than I have been. My husband has also been there to support me through my decision to go the unconventional way to heal, at least in this world. I don't want a dr to give me a pill to just mask the problem even more and keep suppressing my feelings deeper and deeper in me. I am not saying the way I chose is the only way to heal it, you got to do what is best for you. The way I chose is what was best for me.
I need to get going with my busy day that lies ahead of me of changing diapers, feeding, playing singing, repeat till bedtime kind of day.
I will post a post I wrote while I was suffering in the thick of it all to show the real side effects of this horrible monster that has consumed my life.
I am suffering in quiet from postpartum Depression and Anxiety. I don't want to be judged and made fun of, cause that has been my lot in life, everyone seems to make fun of me or tease me when I am in serious need of help. So in quiet I suffer and pain builds pain, and hurt grows bigger and bigger and i become an evil gross monster that I don't even want to be around. I feel all alone in a world where people could help me and I look at them like they just want to hurt me.
This damn depression was set off after I had my little munchkin who I love more than anything in this world. She is my all and everything. I didn't know I could love someone as much as I love her and yet behind all this love, I find myself questioning everything and wondering why I am not fully happy.
Why with such a great blessing in my life, why I can not smile and laugh and enjoy the hardships of being a new mother. There it is, the depression, which then makes my anxiety hold me hostage in my own head, body and home. I don't want to do anything and I don't want people to come and be kind to me. Which sets of my emotional eating habits that are horrible thing to have as well. Either don't eat at all or over eat everything in my path.
I am broken and have fallen to so many pieces I wonder at times if I can be fixed. I look at my daughter sleeping peacefully away on the couch as I right this and all I want to do is protect her and keep her safe and not let her feel this pain I am walking through.
I have sought treatment through acupuncture in SLC and I have had one treatment and am looking forward to many more to come. After one treatment I felt like me, a me that I haven't felt like in a long, long, long time. Though that feeling was fleeting it was hopeful that my old self, the one I am comfortable with, the one that I have released, the true me can and will return, and I will be a whole me, to give to my daughter, husband, family and friends.
I haven't let many people in to know the pain, I mask up by fake smiles and pretend laughs. If people could see the real me at this moment the non-smiling face and tears I suppress so deep, so I look strong and brave like a good mom is suppose to be.
For all of you that think postpartum Depression makes you want to be pregnant again is wrong, it is your hormones are so out of whack and as hard as you try you can not get them back in order, and the easiest things become a chore.
My poor super man of a husband who has had to deal with me while I have been suffering. He is an amazing guy. I hope I will heal and be able to be me a better me than I have been. My husband has also been there to support me through my decision to go the unconventional way to heal, at least in this world. I don't want a dr to give me a pill to just mask the problem even more and keep suppressing my feelings deeper and deeper in me. I am not saying the way I chose is the only way to heal it, you got to do what is best for you. The way I chose is what was best for me.
I need to get going with my busy day that lies ahead of me of changing diapers, feeding, playing singing, repeat till bedtime kind of day.
I will post a post I wrote while I was suffering in the thick of it all to show the real side effects of this horrible monster that has consumed my life.
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
58 Days and Who is Counting?
Hi World,
Updating my blog today, cause I am sitting here listening to hispanic music and missing latin dancing. I am also missing my childhood. I can see where I was so motivated in life then I moved out to Roosevelt and I started to loose my ambition in life. Don't get me wrong I love my man, but I miss the big city life sometimes.
Also, I think what has me is my hormones are crazy, I am 58 more days till I become a mom and I am excited and nervous all at once. I am happy to say the babies room is 95% done and I am liking it a lot.
One day I might good at this blog thing. As I have said before, words are my weakness, I always think they flow on to the paper like the great writers of old, but to much avail I fail at it.
Well, I got to go.
Thanks for reading!
Updating my blog today, cause I am sitting here listening to hispanic music and missing latin dancing. I am also missing my childhood. I can see where I was so motivated in life then I moved out to Roosevelt and I started to loose my ambition in life. Don't get me wrong I love my man, but I miss the big city life sometimes.
Also, I think what has me is my hormones are crazy, I am 58 more days till I become a mom and I am excited and nervous all at once. I am happy to say the babies room is 95% done and I am liking it a lot.
One day I might good at this blog thing. As I have said before, words are my weakness, I always think they flow on to the paper like the great writers of old, but to much avail I fail at it.
Well, I got to go.
Thanks for reading!
Monday, February 22, 2016
Life happens when you least expect it too.
Hi World,
Today I am writing, and oooohhhh so much has changed long gone are my single days. I found my one and only and I know how cliche this will sound, but I knew the instant I saw him he was the one for me. I didn't believe in love happening like that and it hasn't all been easy and fun, but finding him almost 2 years ago and marrying my true love 7 months ago has made life fun. He his everything I was looking for and more. He is my best friend and I love him more and more each day.
To add on to it I am 5 months pregnant and so excited to be a mom. If you would of told me 3 years ago I would meet someone, fall in love, get married and have his kid I wouldn't believe you at all.
As I am coming to believe life happens when you least expect it to and at a pace that is all to surreal sometimes.
What makes it even more exciting 4 of my best friends all found there one and only's and got married. Last year was the year of the weddings. This year is a year for me to become a momma. I am so excited and scared. My true love has never been married before either so this is his first also. To watch him get excited about him becoming a dad is the best thing to watch. I love his enthusiasm for life.
I think I am wanting to write a blog. No more pictures I am afraid, to put much of my private life out there. I love my man and I am proud to be his wife. I just think for right now though I want some of my life to stay out of the limelight. lol
anyways I got to get running I am headed to a fabric store to pick up some fabric to make toys for my baby. We don't know what it is, every time the dr. tries to find out the little stinker won't revile itself. I don't care what it is I am just so excited to becoming a mom.
YAY
Today I am writing, and oooohhhh so much has changed long gone are my single days. I found my one and only and I know how cliche this will sound, but I knew the instant I saw him he was the one for me. I didn't believe in love happening like that and it hasn't all been easy and fun, but finding him almost 2 years ago and marrying my true love 7 months ago has made life fun. He his everything I was looking for and more. He is my best friend and I love him more and more each day.
To add on to it I am 5 months pregnant and so excited to be a mom. If you would of told me 3 years ago I would meet someone, fall in love, get married and have his kid I wouldn't believe you at all.
As I am coming to believe life happens when you least expect it to and at a pace that is all to surreal sometimes.
What makes it even more exciting 4 of my best friends all found there one and only's and got married. Last year was the year of the weddings. This year is a year for me to become a momma. I am so excited and scared. My true love has never been married before either so this is his first also. To watch him get excited about him becoming a dad is the best thing to watch. I love his enthusiasm for life.
I think I am wanting to write a blog. No more pictures I am afraid, to put much of my private life out there. I love my man and I am proud to be his wife. I just think for right now though I want some of my life to stay out of the limelight. lol
anyways I got to get running I am headed to a fabric store to pick up some fabric to make toys for my baby. We don't know what it is, every time the dr. tries to find out the little stinker won't revile itself. I don't care what it is I am just so excited to becoming a mom.
YAY
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)