Life with a newborn has been a challenge in the first 3 weeks of life. My baby came a whole month early and is a premie, and so I get to protect her from all the evil germs of the world.
Something I am suffering from is I think a mild form of depression and fighting my anorexia from returning. It has been quite the struggle and I am scared to vocalize this to my husband cause I feel he is under a lot of stress from work and with the economy the way it is I don't want to stress him out. I have friends, but they live so far far away and I feel all alone some days. I feel like I am trying to be a good mom to Ali but I am not succeeding, cause I keep crying as my hormones come back into balance.
I feel Fat and ugly, I wonder why my husband even loves me? Why he married me? Am I even worth loving? He just doesn't seem to get my cries.
Tonight, he got home from work and I was wanting him to hold our baby and he looks at me and says take her she is too fussy and I don't want a fussy baby. So I took her and I have been frustrated at him ever since. Really??? I get you have been at work all day long.. But I have been here with dealing with my emotions and a newborn baby.
Why is it so hard? things new moms and dads need to discuss more openly is what you deal with when you bring the baby home. I love this child more than anything and I want to give her the world and I want this child to receive nothing but the best.
Hard to do when I am fighting off letting my anorexia take control of my life. I know it would be much much harder for me to deal with her fussy moments if I allowed my eating disorder get the best of me now. I have tried so hard to keep it all in whack.
Another hard thing is I wish my mom lived closer, I wish she was the one I could call if I need my baby held, instead of my controlling over bearing mother in law. I love her, I just don't trust her with my baby. I want to protect my child from her. I don't know why I feel this way but I do. I rather one of her aunties and uncles watch her.
My husband sleeps as I write this post and I have tears streaming down my face. I don't want to loose who I am as a person, I want to improve who I am. I love my little family. I just wish sometimes my husband would say he loved me, and everything would be okay, but he doesn't sometimes he is soo selfish and I suffer. I wonder why I married him. I love him more than anything in this world but why won't he show me more affection. I sometimes wonder if he married me because I was his live in girlfriend and he pitied me. so he asked me to marry him. I had to forgive him for cheating on me while we were dating and he acted like it wasn't a big deal. It was and I and he had to work through all the emotions I felt. More I worked through them. In fact we almost split up after we got married cause I found out a lot more of what he did while we were dating.
I love him but why does he love me?
Grrr baby is fussing and I better go be the best mom to my little one. Dry my eyes and fake a smile and pretend all is well in the world.
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